You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
