I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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