So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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