Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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