Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
