I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
