yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
