the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
