Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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