Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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