i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
