smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I showed him my bush... on skype.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Randomize
