On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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