May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
