Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
