he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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