shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Why is your signature on my underwear?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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