What did we do last night that was yellow?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
