Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
