Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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