New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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