Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
