i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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