if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
His nipple licking is glorious
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