Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
