The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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