I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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