when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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