My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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