my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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