Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Randomize
