i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
