y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
