it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
