You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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