it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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