He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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