That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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