Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
