I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
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