in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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