I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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