my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
