a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
