Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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