So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
