If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Randomize
