Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
