it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just forgot I was standing up.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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