Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
