i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I AM VODKA MAN
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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