i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
